let bygones be bygones

PAST.

Everything about the past has changed our perceptions and views of life today. How do we live in this present time is how we perceive our future due to our recovery of the past. People live in this world are the generations of the past...and I am totally not talking about history or biology here.... and definitely not about past lives.

I am very certain that all of us have our past... the bad ones, good ones and how we wish we could turn back time or not at all. The Past has changed my life and my boyfriend hugely. I was once a different person from who I am today... I was once so brave, so transparent and so naive about the things happen around me. I followed my friends to do weird things (no drugs, no alcohol ), learned about things that I should not have at the age of 13... and many things that I am not proud of, but gladly experienced so that I am becoming what I am today.

I met my boyfriend at the age of 12 and things started to developed in slow motion. Crazy stuff we had made together and strange feelings started to appear. I was totally a different person at that time. And, I believe now that whatever had happened at that time has its own consequence in my life. How I had changed my school - from a full boarding school to a day school - and by that time our relationship grew and I remember, on/off at the same time. I did thought that our relationship will not last, however I started to like him despite all the bad things he has done, or he does at that time. Perhaps, the statement good girls like bad guys applied to me after all.

The Past will always be a part of us. And, yeah...we have to live with it. However, happy memories are easy to remember and eventually, the past is not too bad at all. It makes us grow stronger and we realize that we can do better in life. I am glad that I gave changed my life to what I am today. I have successfully drifted myself from all the bad omens and continuing my journey to achieve what I want. I am also glad that my boyfriend has changed - being a better and understanding person. I am happy that I am still his.

I know that I am not a good person as how people see me at this present time. I lied. I cheated. I hurt others and yeah, I am THAT bad. I am just too happy and thankful for what I have today that I try to cover the past. I can't erase it, cause it sticks. But I can move on from it as long as I live.

PRESENT

As I live on this day, I am grateful that I still live in this earth with the existence. At the present time, I am having a hard time to choose. This is the first time that I feel so wrong and guilty. Wrong because I should have known that this will happen, guilty because I am not so true to some people I love. People see me as a person who is so lucky to have a 10-year relationship with a boyfriend that really loves me and loyal to me. What they do not see, is all the problems and troubles behind it.

So now, my parents start to dig all the past and perceive it as present and future. I feel extremely sad and I do not know what to do. Other people have their mindsets on something and it is nearly impossible to prove to them what really matters to you. PEOPLE DO CHANGE and most of the time, they DID IT FOR GOOD, at least in MY CASE.

I keep track on what happens to me all the time. My relationships with other people, mostly. And, I do know that I am capable of making my decision and I have chosen my path. I want to be with him, and no other people could change that. We have made tremendous change in our lives and we have drifted away from all the confusing choices. We have decided to be together and build our future based on our experiences and love. But, The Past had re-appear and it makes me suffer. Why it is hard to believe that people can change and it is not just because of MONEY? Or, STATUS? Or, other unnecessary things in life? Well, money is important, though...but...let us just axed the money part...hmm...
Can't you guys just see me happy for this time? I am doing this for myself...and for my family... with the expectation that this will be the right decision too.

I know that they are worry about me. The consequences of the decision that I am about to make. And, imagining how horrid it will be. But, I won't. I have faith in what I have been believe in my life - God has shown me the way, and all these things are just another trial that I have to pass through. This is the most hurtful one, and I do not know whether I can get through it. I am scared that I will lost everything that I have...

EXAMS and RESULTS

Exams and Results... I personally think these two words play significant role by itself in our lives. No exams, No results. Exams in my context of definition is not just a paper that we have to sit after a period of time studying the subjects of our favourite or lame topics to know how bad or how well we understand them. But, it is also the EXAMS that we have to face in everyday lives. EXAMS=TRIALS. Trials of difficulties and hardships that we have to bear in this life. Life is HARD and yet it gives us WONDERFUL times too. What I can say here is that the EXAMS (whatever exams it might be) will turn into the RESULT whether we PASS or FAIL and go on with our lives or just give up.

Before the exam I believe that all of us will feel stress and we tend to do domething in-between the period of STUDYING and FOCUSING. Last semester, I have learned a lot from my friends who are excellent...better than me I can say... They are capable of doing things their own way, they are more vocal in expressing their thoughts and ideas. I felt so small, then, thinking that I did not contribute as much as I should,

but I know I have done my best...just, PERHAPS... not enough. I am a step-by-step person and I realize that I learn things quite differently. I have different types of friends and I think I have worked with them all.... Each of them have different ways and capabilities of doing things.

I just knew that last semester was not the best (cause my assignments results are not really good, especially that ONE subject, the others are OKAY...)... I can't find the reason why... I know it is JUST ME... perhaps I just need to be more focused each time and have fun instead of thinking other things that does not concerns me. But, THANK GOD... I really need this result to start to improve myself again. I manage to get Dean's List resullt for last semester...and I hope to continue it again this coming semester. It will be different, though...cause I am not in IPGK BL anymore...I will be in UKM... It is TOTALLY a different situation and different groups of people are around...

OK.OK. I

have drifted myself emotionally... the exam result is out today and I should be happy about it, right? But, honestly... not really... huhu... why? cause the pointer is the same like the past 2 semesters... But, still glad I can make it to the List and I have learned a lot during the semester. That is all I need to IMPROVE AGAIN... EXAMS will determine our RESULTS and RESULTS will give us the determination to IMPROVE or MAINTAIN what we have. I think it is best to say that IMPROVEMENT is needed...instead of MAINTENANCE. hm... what do you think??

EXAMS in our life is never ending. And, I think we face our life with courage everyday. For each of us we have our odds and trials to overcome and therefore make us a better person. We may not realize what we have been through in this world actually make us learning for the fact that we DO LEARN everyday. I may be too particular about this fact-of-life thingy... it's just how I view it, my perspectives on the things around me... maybe, YOU have your own view on THIS? Please.... do share with me....

my view on Literature

What does LITERATURE means? Does it play any significant role in our lives? What it has to do with our life?

Literature represents what the writer wants to say. It is about anything and everything in this world that portray the reality of life. The characters are fictional of course, but the main idea here is that LITERATURE (from my point of view) is any creative writing that a person writes based on his or her view of reality depicted from his or her view of life. Once, I encountered a phrase saying that literature shows lies about life. Lies because it is in a way that the writer wants how the life should be - the story line, the plot, the characters - all are fictional, the STORY is fictional - A CREATION. However, how does the writer knows what type of story, who are the characters, where and when it should be? It is ALL BASED ON REAL LIFE. Hmm.. don't you think so?

A lot of theories that we can use to read literature. Wait. Let me clear the air. What types of literature that I am talking about? Any stories, poems, dramas and plays that we have read - all the lists that we could find in this world - are all LITERATURE. Let it be the TWILIGHT SAGA, HARRY POTTER series, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE collection and all - ALL are literature. Well, all of us have different purposes of reading. If it is because of entertainment, well...we need not to crack our brain to analyze the story... and if it is because of academic, we NEED to crack our brain to use certain THEORIES to analyze the story. What theories that I am talking about? Let me see... we have post-colonial theory, reader-response theory, psychoanalytic theory, Marxist theory, feminist theory and so on....

Some people who love to read may love literature. Personally, I did love literature and now AM NOT. So sad, non? I have my own way of interpreting the things I read and I know that YOU also have your own way of interpreting the story.

OK. Forget about cracking your brain to interpret a story... let me say this >>> I DISLIKE literature now. But, I LOVE to read. Can you see any difference?

Questions:
Is it necessary for one to like reading to like literature as well?
or, at least good in literature? Any significance???

Insecurity, Wrong decision

Have you ever wondered why you have made your decision that way, and considering all odds, you have to make it anyway? I have been wondering all year why did I care so much about some of the decisions that I have made, considering the factors that I may have hurt them, and make them feel bad. When you were in a state of insecurity, unsatisfied with something and plus, you never think that you have done wrong, you made your decision anyway...blurring by all THESE factors. So, does it make the final decision as FINAL? Is it considered as a WISE one?

I have made my choices and decision long, long time ago... and I never regret

this one - - being with my only love, Daniel. But, the problem is not here. I have made my decision that I will not be as who I was before (just like what I have mentioned in the previous entry)
anymore. I am going to be a new person and GO TO HELL with those who HATES ME, DISAPPROVING of me, and what ever they want to say to anyone about me. IGNORANCE IS A BLISS. And hey, I am hurt too, and nobody cares? Some people just like to see others suffer... and to condemn people just to see that they have influence and such... "Hey, I am stronger now. I know you support me... what have I told you?" DAMN. It feels so good using those words... and without realizing the fact that we have been influencing people in an EVIL way, we actually got dragged up with more USELESS effort of trying to gain everybody's support!

I couldn't believe what I have read on my chat screen just now when one of my friends actually tole me that the LADY that I used to be friend with, BFF with, close with, actually SELLING STORIES bout me. So, it began with me being angry with those people, particularly her? WHATEVER...and she began to tell this friend NASTY stories bout me that she doesn't even want to say anything more about it. It was just ONE argument (or, maybe I was too harsh?) that the LADY actually have GUTS to say something like that to ANOTHER friend? OK. SO, is the conclusion like this - - you cannot be angry to your friends because they are your BFF, and it is IMPORTANT not to HURT them??--- For me, the definition of friendship is this >>>>>> Friends ARE shoulder to cry on, for good times and bad times...(matter of-factly) and, for me, as a friend it is also IMPORTANT to show them that they DO wrong, that we ARE HURT for what they have done, and being angry is just a tiny part of it, to show that we CARE, to let THEM understand that we too, NEED ASSURANCE from them...as a friend. Uughh... so, anyone wants to back out now, and NO MORE being a FRIEND to me?

OK.OK. Am I sound too serious?? LOL... Anyways, I am glad that I have more friends that I can rely on, despite all this hurtful feelings... I am glad also that I have made my decision to let SOME PEOPLE go, because they are just NOT for me... and I always remember this quote, " Just let those people in your past, past...there are reasons why they don't make it to your future". So, I believe there are truths in this statement, and AM letting IT GO...my PAST.

My future is what I am concern about now. I APPRECIATE those who appreciates me...and if you don't, I have nothing to say, period.

What did I say about INSECURITY and WRONG DECISION? The feeling of insecurity will sure AFFECTS your decision. When you feel that you are insecure, that you will lose, you will fall, you WILL make the decision, without actually knowing what you have done. Let me say, SELF-CENTERED. I am now struggling with myself, trying very best to THINK IT ALL OVER AGAIN after I have made my mind. I felt it was wrong, but I soon see the rationale of these things that happen around me now.

So, FORGET ABOUT those jerks that have been hurting you, saying things bout you... THEY are not WORTH it...

Thinking positive..... the pictures below are meaningful

So, for you guys out there, don't do ridiculous things to your friends... they are hard to find... but, then, it is up to you to CHOOSE. Your INSECURITY is not for WRONG DECISION, but for pre-CAUTION and a REMINDER for you of the EVIL ONES. Life is the way it is. HARD and BEAUTIFUL at the same time. Choose wisely, don't be blurred by FAKE IMAGES of your friends. They are behaving as what you want to see, just look at the other side of it, before it is getting CRAZIER and HURTFUL.

Thanks for those who are always around me, give me SUPPORT and TRUST me. I would never make you feel down cause I know you are always here with me. LOVE is all I need, FAITH and TRUST is all I live for.

Changes

Everything are changing; let it be in a matter of time and place without any clear reasons that make us think whether it will becoming good or bad. But, are we totally ready for all the changes around us? Changing meaning that we are changing either good or bad, better or worst. And, changing makes us grow even smarter or dumber than before. Well, I prefer smarter, of course... but how should we know that the changes that we made are good for us and the others? Changes make us grow in mind and spirit, we think more critically of things as we grow older and socialize more with other people. Is it by these "changes" set us to a level of maturity to make decisions and independent toward our own actions? I don't think so. As what we speak, we are growing, somehow, different people have different way of thinking things and may not be as what we thought it would be.

Have you ever feel disappointed because the changes that you have made did not result in a way that you want it to be? Yeah... I experienced it before and it turned me down. However, the changes that I am doing now (for I thought it would be...at this time) will be permanent. I AM CHANGING for who I was and I hope it is for the better - the people around me, and most importantly, MYSELF.

Every new year we have hopes and wishes and we want our dreams to come true. And, at times, we can't even achieve what we want in our lives! So, why do we change? What makes us change? In my case, there are many reasons that contribute to the changing. Why do I change? Why do you change? There are reasons behind what we did in this everyday lives, and sometimes we just don't understand or do not want to understand. We change because we want the best for other people, we change because we are sick of some things that are out of our control, we change because we are just fed-up with things and need a new life! We change because we want something different, creating various "scenes" in this challenging lives on earth! I want to change because I am sick of being myself at a point when I am TOO GOOD for some people that I realize do not deserve me at all. I want to change because I think it is enough to create a ridiculous scene where we fights and swear when in fact, we can love and care to each other?

OK. Why did I chose this entry for today? I realize that people around me are changing and I do not want to know the reason behind it (which in a matter of fact, I know I am one of the reasons...). So, some behaviours and attitudes of other people actually make us realize that we are not as strong as what we think we are. We cry because of them, and they don't even know it. So, after for so long... you will want to end this by changing yourself. Be what you want to be, ignore "that" some people and just continue with your life. People say, "Screw them! It is their problem, not yours...!" I have heard this many, many times and that is exactly what I did at the moment. I am trying to be nice, but not for a person that had said she hates me. Who wants to give a chance to a person that likes to take you for granted and only kiss your ass? Not me, definitely. Sick of it already. NO MORE.

I am maybe a bad one here, but some people are just cruel than me. I have my patience and that is all I have left when she posted some ridiculous, silly stupid thing on a wall of a networking social service. Perrgghh~~~ I hate the feeling when I am right about this. I know that there is 20% of probability that whatever shoutout that has been posted is for anyone but me. However, I KNOW IT IS ME. My conscience is never wrong (it could be wrong, but...nah...not in this matter, I know).

So, back to what I said... Am I wrong if I am changing of who I am, who was once a very friendly, caring, loving, forgiving, always- say- sorry- when -I -don't- know -if- I- am -wrong- or- not and patient before to a person who is still friendly (just less), caring, loving, forgiving (if that person asks for it) and WILL NOT SAY SORRY IF I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG? and lack of patience?

Whatever changes that I have made, I hope to rebuild myself back. I have no strength to argue anymore and I think it is just enough of what I have said or did. I do not want to make anything's worst and I will just shut up. No more about this. But, if she can't make her mouth shut, I will do something to make it shut, anyway. People are just too hypocrites and ego to see what they have done wrong to other people.

I need to really make myself AWAY from this scenario. I could not see the benefits that I will get by being so truthful to myself because everybody else's isn't. Things happen. It is 2010 and I have lists that I have to be completed... studying, working, being with my love ones, getting married, having kids... (oooppss...too early??? haha...) well, there are things best to be ignored and let time heals. I know it is painful and I am sure that I will not face this problem alone. I have the others behind me, love me, and care for me. I am very grateful for what I have right now, and whatever obstacles that I am being through right now is changing me, for who I am, for what I want...and I hope the changes are for the better. I am truly hoping that this matter makes me wake from the slumber and develop me as a WISE woman.

Hola, 2010...Adios 2009!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010!!! HO!HO!HO! Well2... how was the celebration for the new year? Well, mine was simple as I just spent my New Year at home..as usual... SO...what is the meaning of this year to you guys?? It is the year of the TIGER!!! RROOOAARRR.... uhuhuu...sounds scary, isn't it? hmm...I can't recall if I have friends born in the tiger year...

Goodbye 2009, WELCOME 2010.

OK. The entry for today, in conjunction with New Year's Day is about the new start. I have been through a lot of things and series of events last year... and, last year was a very, very tough year for me and it had caused me a lot of pain that I need to bear until now. As you all had realized, my entries last year touched on a lot of issues about friendship, love, betrayal and forgiveness... This year, I hope it will be better than what I have shared.

I have been through sadness and happiness at the same time, I bet all of you do...mmm... We hope a lot of things every minute of our lives to make it better and with no regrets. However, I believe that we do REGRET at things that we have done and that is what FORGIVENESS is for, right? Year 2009 had taught me a lot of things in this world and make me understand how lucky I am and how I should be more careful next time, also to be more grateful and thankful that I still live in this world.

Being a 21 year-old in the year 2009 is not as a BLAST as it should be. I had hurt people around me, and I am hurt too... for what I did. Yeah...serve me right for all those things happen around me...cause, it is my fault...I admit it... and I am sorry... Some people just too ego to accept my apology or maybe, I am not to be forgiven... what am I to do when I am not forgiven?I do not want to make things worst and I will stay as who I am... NOW.

That is just part of the story. I have made huge mistake in my love life and I need not to mention what... and I know, I am not to be forgiven by him... But, he is too good to me that he had given me chances to rebuild and to begin a new life. I want a fresh start as I cannot bear the feelings of sadness and losing him after 9 years of relationship...FUH! Love him so much...




As I have been through all the pain in the ass of some people, I really, really need this year to be more meaningful and I want to start fresh everything... this seriously involve RELATIONSHIP...huhu... I have been feeling sad and I did cry over some matters that out of my control. I have no guts to be as brave as I was before, and I think for now, it is good to let some of the "things" or people go. I can't believe I actually did what I did and I have no reason or whatsoever to regret it. Maybe it is my fault, or it is not, but what happens, happens...so I can't do anything - NO MORE.

























In the year 2009 makes me really think who I am, and what I value most in life. I have learned a lot of things that make me feel regret, hate and stupid. Most of the time I do feel that I am such a pain in the ass to some people and it is best for me to keep quiet. However, it seems like it is not the best thing to do when I really lose people in my life. Some people are just ignorant, and they might hate you because you are you and pretend to like you because you have things that they don't. How is that?How should you tolerate this kind of thing or people??? In matter of fact, I think they are the one that are pain in the ass because they are just THEM!


I can't take away my words, my actions and my ways of doing things last year...ugghhh... it is now 2nd of January 2010...hmm..so, what I can say about starting things new is that I HOPE, REALLY HOPE that this year will be MUCH, MUCH better than last year.... because it had caused me so much tears and pain... and I desire to make amends. I do not want to feel hate...I only want LOVE...lots and lots of LOVE... let it take away the sadness and make me happy instead, can??


I am so disappointed with myself in the previous year because of what I have done... it affects my result and so do my friendship. I have no idea what has gone wrong (but there must be something wrong) and I REALLY HOPE for the BETTERMENT of future this year.

I could say that in the year 2010, I have a long lists of to-do list and wish-list..need not to mention what, cause I know I will not stop...haha...
So, in my entry as an introduction this year:
1. Start New - Repair the damage, mends the broken (if possible...)
2. Don't worry, be happy.
3. No more PROBLEMS... (get the heck out of my life!)
4. Positively view this life as what it is.
5. Do not THINK TOO MUCH. (It is an illness, you know)

The 5 things listed above are what I want and need for this year, 2010... it has been a decade since millennium and I do need COURAGE and GOOD THINGS come in my way. I know HE is with me...HE who always guide me and sees me... HE is GOD.
Thought for the day:: We are never alone as we face this life that full of torns and challenges, God is always with us, no matter what... Let those people hurt when you never fail to love. Because love is such a wonderful word, strong and never fades.

Fellas, adios for now, and will continue again some other time later... HAVE A BLESSED NEW YEAR 2010... and be good... MORE LOVE, y'all.!!

Forgiveness

I had my worst week this week. It is sad, totally SAD.But it is getting better and I hope it will maintain that way. I had huge argument with my boyfriend and a friend. I had solved my love-relationship-problem and not my-friend-problem... maybe only one third of it... this friend-problem thingy.

So, my entry today is about FORGIVENESS. As humans, we never get away from making mistakes. Have we really considered what are the consequences and causes of making these mistakes? We lie, we cheat, we are ego, being hypocrite and many more negative things that need not to be mentioned. After that, what do we do? We ask for forgiveness, we say sorry, we apologize for all the wrongs that we have made.

In this time of Advent, this is what we should do - Forgive. We forgive, and we are forgiven. I made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have made wrong decisions and wrong choice. It tore me apart, made me sad and thinking of myself as useless and no worth in anyone's life because I have made them sad and angry.

When we did wrong, people seem to not see things clearly. We have apologized, and seem it is not enough. It is true that what ever happens, what ever we do, there are reasons behind it. So, we have ask for forgiveness, and still, we still raise up the same issue every day. There are things with doubt, and we can't stop ourselves from asking. But, have we ever wonder that it is best to let go? Popular saying that we always heard of >> Let bygones, be bygones. But, we just can't... stop asking, right?




We demand a lot of things in this world and we have high expectations on some people, especially the ones that we care and love. However, we can't have what we want, and we will be disappointed and sad. The good thing about FORGIVENESS is what we felt after we apologized and being forgiven. Some may not see the value of forgiving, but as we feel that we have been forgiven, HUGE RELIEF of heavy burden has been released from our hearts and shoulders.







What if... when the person forgives you, it is only for the sake of say "I forgive you" or "I am sorry, too" and not actually mean it? How do we know? What should we do? The best thing is to ignore this feeling of doubt and curiosity whether or not to analyze that particular person REALLY and HONESTLY forgive you. May be this step is not working for some of you, I agree. But, I don't like things to become worst where there are lots of questions to be answered and doubts to be cleared.

It is good to say SORRY and asks for FORGIVENESS, but we can't expect to be FORGIVEN. It is up to them to forgive and we can't say anything much about this. At the very least, I believe that we do our part to say sorry and ask for forgiveness. We need to be patient and I know at times, it is hard to do so.












There are lots of things to say about FORGIVE.
One of it is FORGIVE and FORGET. But, do we really forgive and forget? I do not think so. We can never forget things that happen to us, especially involving those people we love. They might forgive but they will NEVER FORGET. Because we have done wrong and hurt them so much, yes, they forgive, but mind you, one day the issue MIGHT be raised again because they NEVER FORGETS and because it is HARD TO FORGET for them. I am not a saint nor an angel. I make mistakes, and I do forgive. However, to forget? Let I answer it by myself.

I do not want things to get worst and I do not like myself to think too much. I know, I THINK TOO MUCH that sometime it affect me in either good or bad in a way.


This is what we call LIFE. We can't bear all the challenges and torn, but we live with it because we are still living in this world. A lot of things to be learned, and many things to be considered, a lot of issues to be solved and many things to be think of.

Thought of the day>>>> It is not enough just to say SORRY. To forgive and not to forget maybe just one of the ways, but to forgive and being forgiven is the beautiful thing in the world to start things new.
In this lovely time of Advent, I would like to say I am SORRY to all my family, friends and especially to my boyfriend, Daniel. I am so sorry that I have broken your heart, make you sad and cry, for what I have said, or ignore you and suddenly forget about you... and many things that I could not mentioned (the lists is LONG, you know...). I am SORRY..again. Would you forgive me? I hope to be part of you again and may this Christmas is full of HAPPINESS and JOY to all.

Love you always and forever... huge hug and kisses.