Insecurity, Wrong decision

Have you ever wondered why you have made your decision that way, and considering all odds, you have to make it anyway? I have been wondering all year why did I care so much about some of the decisions that I have made, considering the factors that I may have hurt them, and make them feel bad. When you were in a state of insecurity, unsatisfied with something and plus, you never think that you have done wrong, you made your decision anyway...blurring by all THESE factors. So, does it make the final decision as FINAL? Is it considered as a WISE one?

I have made my choices and decision long, long time ago... and I never regret

this one - - being with my only love, Daniel. But, the problem is not here. I have made my decision that I will not be as who I was before (just like what I have mentioned in the previous entry)
anymore. I am going to be a new person and GO TO HELL with those who HATES ME, DISAPPROVING of me, and what ever they want to say to anyone about me. IGNORANCE IS A BLISS. And hey, I am hurt too, and nobody cares? Some people just like to see others suffer... and to condemn people just to see that they have influence and such... "Hey, I am stronger now. I know you support me... what have I told you?" DAMN. It feels so good using those words... and without realizing the fact that we have been influencing people in an EVIL way, we actually got dragged up with more USELESS effort of trying to gain everybody's support!

I couldn't believe what I have read on my chat screen just now when one of my friends actually tole me that the LADY that I used to be friend with, BFF with, close with, actually SELLING STORIES bout me. So, it began with me being angry with those people, particularly her? WHATEVER...and she began to tell this friend NASTY stories bout me that she doesn't even want to say anything more about it. It was just ONE argument (or, maybe I was too harsh?) that the LADY actually have GUTS to say something like that to ANOTHER friend? OK. SO, is the conclusion like this - - you cannot be angry to your friends because they are your BFF, and it is IMPORTANT not to HURT them??--- For me, the definition of friendship is this >>>>>> Friends ARE shoulder to cry on, for good times and bad times...(matter of-factly) and, for me, as a friend it is also IMPORTANT to show them that they DO wrong, that we ARE HURT for what they have done, and being angry is just a tiny part of it, to show that we CARE, to let THEM understand that we too, NEED ASSURANCE from them...as a friend. Uughh... so, anyone wants to back out now, and NO MORE being a FRIEND to me?

OK.OK. Am I sound too serious?? LOL... Anyways, I am glad that I have more friends that I can rely on, despite all this hurtful feelings... I am glad also that I have made my decision to let SOME PEOPLE go, because they are just NOT for me... and I always remember this quote, " Just let those people in your past, past...there are reasons why they don't make it to your future". So, I believe there are truths in this statement, and AM letting IT GO...my PAST.

My future is what I am concern about now. I APPRECIATE those who appreciates me...and if you don't, I have nothing to say, period.

What did I say about INSECURITY and WRONG DECISION? The feeling of insecurity will sure AFFECTS your decision. When you feel that you are insecure, that you will lose, you will fall, you WILL make the decision, without actually knowing what you have done. Let me say, SELF-CENTERED. I am now struggling with myself, trying very best to THINK IT ALL OVER AGAIN after I have made my mind. I felt it was wrong, but I soon see the rationale of these things that happen around me now.

So, FORGET ABOUT those jerks that have been hurting you, saying things bout you... THEY are not WORTH it...

Thinking positive..... the pictures below are meaningful

So, for you guys out there, don't do ridiculous things to your friends... they are hard to find... but, then, it is up to you to CHOOSE. Your INSECURITY is not for WRONG DECISION, but for pre-CAUTION and a REMINDER for you of the EVIL ONES. Life is the way it is. HARD and BEAUTIFUL at the same time. Choose wisely, don't be blurred by FAKE IMAGES of your friends. They are behaving as what you want to see, just look at the other side of it, before it is getting CRAZIER and HURTFUL.

Thanks for those who are always around me, give me SUPPORT and TRUST me. I would never make you feel down cause I know you are always here with me. LOVE is all I need, FAITH and TRUST is all I live for.

Changes

Everything are changing; let it be in a matter of time and place without any clear reasons that make us think whether it will becoming good or bad. But, are we totally ready for all the changes around us? Changing meaning that we are changing either good or bad, better or worst. And, changing makes us grow even smarter or dumber than before. Well, I prefer smarter, of course... but how should we know that the changes that we made are good for us and the others? Changes make us grow in mind and spirit, we think more critically of things as we grow older and socialize more with other people. Is it by these "changes" set us to a level of maturity to make decisions and independent toward our own actions? I don't think so. As what we speak, we are growing, somehow, different people have different way of thinking things and may not be as what we thought it would be.

Have you ever feel disappointed because the changes that you have made did not result in a way that you want it to be? Yeah... I experienced it before and it turned me down. However, the changes that I am doing now (for I thought it would be...at this time) will be permanent. I AM CHANGING for who I was and I hope it is for the better - the people around me, and most importantly, MYSELF.

Every new year we have hopes and wishes and we want our dreams to come true. And, at times, we can't even achieve what we want in our lives! So, why do we change? What makes us change? In my case, there are many reasons that contribute to the changing. Why do I change? Why do you change? There are reasons behind what we did in this everyday lives, and sometimes we just don't understand or do not want to understand. We change because we want the best for other people, we change because we are sick of some things that are out of our control, we change because we are just fed-up with things and need a new life! We change because we want something different, creating various "scenes" in this challenging lives on earth! I want to change because I am sick of being myself at a point when I am TOO GOOD for some people that I realize do not deserve me at all. I want to change because I think it is enough to create a ridiculous scene where we fights and swear when in fact, we can love and care to each other?

OK. Why did I chose this entry for today? I realize that people around me are changing and I do not want to know the reason behind it (which in a matter of fact, I know I am one of the reasons...). So, some behaviours and attitudes of other people actually make us realize that we are not as strong as what we think we are. We cry because of them, and they don't even know it. So, after for so long... you will want to end this by changing yourself. Be what you want to be, ignore "that" some people and just continue with your life. People say, "Screw them! It is their problem, not yours...!" I have heard this many, many times and that is exactly what I did at the moment. I am trying to be nice, but not for a person that had said she hates me. Who wants to give a chance to a person that likes to take you for granted and only kiss your ass? Not me, definitely. Sick of it already. NO MORE.

I am maybe a bad one here, but some people are just cruel than me. I have my patience and that is all I have left when she posted some ridiculous, silly stupid thing on a wall of a networking social service. Perrgghh~~~ I hate the feeling when I am right about this. I know that there is 20% of probability that whatever shoutout that has been posted is for anyone but me. However, I KNOW IT IS ME. My conscience is never wrong (it could be wrong, but...nah...not in this matter, I know).

So, back to what I said... Am I wrong if I am changing of who I am, who was once a very friendly, caring, loving, forgiving, always- say- sorry- when -I -don't- know -if- I- am -wrong- or- not and patient before to a person who is still friendly (just less), caring, loving, forgiving (if that person asks for it) and WILL NOT SAY SORRY IF I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG? and lack of patience?

Whatever changes that I have made, I hope to rebuild myself back. I have no strength to argue anymore and I think it is just enough of what I have said or did. I do not want to make anything's worst and I will just shut up. No more about this. But, if she can't make her mouth shut, I will do something to make it shut, anyway. People are just too hypocrites and ego to see what they have done wrong to other people.

I need to really make myself AWAY from this scenario. I could not see the benefits that I will get by being so truthful to myself because everybody else's isn't. Things happen. It is 2010 and I have lists that I have to be completed... studying, working, being with my love ones, getting married, having kids... (oooppss...too early??? haha...) well, there are things best to be ignored and let time heals. I know it is painful and I am sure that I will not face this problem alone. I have the others behind me, love me, and care for me. I am very grateful for what I have right now, and whatever obstacles that I am being through right now is changing me, for who I am, for what I want...and I hope the changes are for the better. I am truly hoping that this matter makes me wake from the slumber and develop me as a WISE woman.

Hola, 2010...Adios 2009!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010!!! HO!HO!HO! Well2... how was the celebration for the new year? Well, mine was simple as I just spent my New Year at home..as usual... SO...what is the meaning of this year to you guys?? It is the year of the TIGER!!! RROOOAARRR.... uhuhuu...sounds scary, isn't it? hmm...I can't recall if I have friends born in the tiger year...

Goodbye 2009, WELCOME 2010.

OK. The entry for today, in conjunction with New Year's Day is about the new start. I have been through a lot of things and series of events last year... and, last year was a very, very tough year for me and it had caused me a lot of pain that I need to bear until now. As you all had realized, my entries last year touched on a lot of issues about friendship, love, betrayal and forgiveness... This year, I hope it will be better than what I have shared.

I have been through sadness and happiness at the same time, I bet all of you do...mmm... We hope a lot of things every minute of our lives to make it better and with no regrets. However, I believe that we do REGRET at things that we have done and that is what FORGIVENESS is for, right? Year 2009 had taught me a lot of things in this world and make me understand how lucky I am and how I should be more careful next time, also to be more grateful and thankful that I still live in this world.

Being a 21 year-old in the year 2009 is not as a BLAST as it should be. I had hurt people around me, and I am hurt too... for what I did. Yeah...serve me right for all those things happen around me...cause, it is my fault...I admit it... and I am sorry... Some people just too ego to accept my apology or maybe, I am not to be forgiven... what am I to do when I am not forgiven?I do not want to make things worst and I will stay as who I am... NOW.

That is just part of the story. I have made huge mistake in my love life and I need not to mention what... and I know, I am not to be forgiven by him... But, he is too good to me that he had given me chances to rebuild and to begin a new life. I want a fresh start as I cannot bear the feelings of sadness and losing him after 9 years of relationship...FUH! Love him so much...




As I have been through all the pain in the ass of some people, I really, really need this year to be more meaningful and I want to start fresh everything... this seriously involve RELATIONSHIP...huhu... I have been feeling sad and I did cry over some matters that out of my control. I have no guts to be as brave as I was before, and I think for now, it is good to let some of the "things" or people go. I can't believe I actually did what I did and I have no reason or whatsoever to regret it. Maybe it is my fault, or it is not, but what happens, happens...so I can't do anything - NO MORE.

























In the year 2009 makes me really think who I am, and what I value most in life. I have learned a lot of things that make me feel regret, hate and stupid. Most of the time I do feel that I am such a pain in the ass to some people and it is best for me to keep quiet. However, it seems like it is not the best thing to do when I really lose people in my life. Some people are just ignorant, and they might hate you because you are you and pretend to like you because you have things that they don't. How is that?How should you tolerate this kind of thing or people??? In matter of fact, I think they are the one that are pain in the ass because they are just THEM!


I can't take away my words, my actions and my ways of doing things last year...ugghhh... it is now 2nd of January 2010...hmm..so, what I can say about starting things new is that I HOPE, REALLY HOPE that this year will be MUCH, MUCH better than last year.... because it had caused me so much tears and pain... and I desire to make amends. I do not want to feel hate...I only want LOVE...lots and lots of LOVE... let it take away the sadness and make me happy instead, can??


I am so disappointed with myself in the previous year because of what I have done... it affects my result and so do my friendship. I have no idea what has gone wrong (but there must be something wrong) and I REALLY HOPE for the BETTERMENT of future this year.

I could say that in the year 2010, I have a long lists of to-do list and wish-list..need not to mention what, cause I know I will not stop...haha...
So, in my entry as an introduction this year:
1. Start New - Repair the damage, mends the broken (if possible...)
2. Don't worry, be happy.
3. No more PROBLEMS... (get the heck out of my life!)
4. Positively view this life as what it is.
5. Do not THINK TOO MUCH. (It is an illness, you know)

The 5 things listed above are what I want and need for this year, 2010... it has been a decade since millennium and I do need COURAGE and GOOD THINGS come in my way. I know HE is with me...HE who always guide me and sees me... HE is GOD.
Thought for the day:: We are never alone as we face this life that full of torns and challenges, God is always with us, no matter what... Let those people hurt when you never fail to love. Because love is such a wonderful word, strong and never fades.

Fellas, adios for now, and will continue again some other time later... HAVE A BLESSED NEW YEAR 2010... and be good... MORE LOVE, y'all.!!

Forgiveness

I had my worst week this week. It is sad, totally SAD.But it is getting better and I hope it will maintain that way. I had huge argument with my boyfriend and a friend. I had solved my love-relationship-problem and not my-friend-problem... maybe only one third of it... this friend-problem thingy.

So, my entry today is about FORGIVENESS. As humans, we never get away from making mistakes. Have we really considered what are the consequences and causes of making these mistakes? We lie, we cheat, we are ego, being hypocrite and many more negative things that need not to be mentioned. After that, what do we do? We ask for forgiveness, we say sorry, we apologize for all the wrongs that we have made.

In this time of Advent, this is what we should do - Forgive. We forgive, and we are forgiven. I made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have made wrong decisions and wrong choice. It tore me apart, made me sad and thinking of myself as useless and no worth in anyone's life because I have made them sad and angry.

When we did wrong, people seem to not see things clearly. We have apologized, and seem it is not enough. It is true that what ever happens, what ever we do, there are reasons behind it. So, we have ask for forgiveness, and still, we still raise up the same issue every day. There are things with doubt, and we can't stop ourselves from asking. But, have we ever wonder that it is best to let go? Popular saying that we always heard of >> Let bygones, be bygones. But, we just can't... stop asking, right?




We demand a lot of things in this world and we have high expectations on some people, especially the ones that we care and love. However, we can't have what we want, and we will be disappointed and sad. The good thing about FORGIVENESS is what we felt after we apologized and being forgiven. Some may not see the value of forgiving, but as we feel that we have been forgiven, HUGE RELIEF of heavy burden has been released from our hearts and shoulders.







What if... when the person forgives you, it is only for the sake of say "I forgive you" or "I am sorry, too" and not actually mean it? How do we know? What should we do? The best thing is to ignore this feeling of doubt and curiosity whether or not to analyze that particular person REALLY and HONESTLY forgive you. May be this step is not working for some of you, I agree. But, I don't like things to become worst where there are lots of questions to be answered and doubts to be cleared.

It is good to say SORRY and asks for FORGIVENESS, but we can't expect to be FORGIVEN. It is up to them to forgive and we can't say anything much about this. At the very least, I believe that we do our part to say sorry and ask for forgiveness. We need to be patient and I know at times, it is hard to do so.












There are lots of things to say about FORGIVE.
One of it is FORGIVE and FORGET. But, do we really forgive and forget? I do not think so. We can never forget things that happen to us, especially involving those people we love. They might forgive but they will NEVER FORGET. Because we have done wrong and hurt them so much, yes, they forgive, but mind you, one day the issue MIGHT be raised again because they NEVER FORGETS and because it is HARD TO FORGET for them. I am not a saint nor an angel. I make mistakes, and I do forgive. However, to forget? Let I answer it by myself.

I do not want things to get worst and I do not like myself to think too much. I know, I THINK TOO MUCH that sometime it affect me in either good or bad in a way.


This is what we call LIFE. We can't bear all the challenges and torn, but we live with it because we are still living in this world. A lot of things to be learned, and many things to be considered, a lot of issues to be solved and many things to be think of.

Thought of the day>>>> It is not enough just to say SORRY. To forgive and not to forget maybe just one of the ways, but to forgive and being forgiven is the beautiful thing in the world to start things new.
In this lovely time of Advent, I would like to say I am SORRY to all my family, friends and especially to my boyfriend, Daniel. I am so sorry that I have broken your heart, make you sad and cry, for what I have said, or ignore you and suddenly forget about you... and many things that I could not mentioned (the lists is LONG, you know...). I am SORRY..again. Would you forgive me? I hope to be part of you again and may this Christmas is full of HAPPINESS and JOY to all.

Love you always and forever... huge hug and kisses.

Have you ever been in this SITUATION?? LOL

What situation that I mean, exactly?? HA-HA. I do not know if any of you had ever encounter this situation before, but let me tell ya, I WILL ALWAYS encounter this situation, let it be with my friends, family or my loved one. LOL LOL

OK. The situation is like this: Have you ever wonder what to eat and where to go when you go out with your friends? Or, anyone la... well, it happen to me, every time I go out with them.

It happened again last night>>> We did not have any problems to for a place for dinner because we have decided earlier, but we DO encounter difficulties to find for a place to go after that. Let me refreshed, what happened last night. We had dinner at Aroma Cafe, and the food are really worth it and nice... nyum...nyum.... After we had our fulfilling dinner, we sat there, I can't remember for how long, but... I think it was for 30 minutes, to discuss and to decide where to go next. Every time we meet (hey, we rarely meet each other...only during the holidays!!) of course, we need to take some pictures for memories, right? Cam-whoring... So, we had few options:

1. Waterfront - considerable although it is quite a dangerous place to hang out, jalan-jalan. Then, we began to discuss the issue about drug addicts which was televised on TV3 news few nights ago. How dangerous it is, bla bla bla...
2. Somewhere where we can find huge Christmas tree and take picture with it. Where? We considered few places - in Padungan (somewhere near Travillion), in a shopping complex!! So , we talked about how we had taken some pictures with a huge Christmas Tree at the Spring last year with Sandra, Fhyllis, Jesica, Adeline and other friends as well...
3. The Cat statue...in the middle of Kuching, or at the center between the so-called Triangle Buildings - Sarawak Plaza, Tun Jugah and Parkson... then, we considered how many cars there will be and people will look at you with the expression of - "ee...sakai...." or "apa ndak ka dipolah sidak ompuan ya malam2 ambik gambar di cya", or "phewiitt"

2)

1)

3)

After a discussion, taken account the pros and cons, we decided to go to Waterfront (at least I can buy nasi lemak at Azza for my boyfriend). Stef parked her car at the left side of the parking lot and we have to cross the road to go to Waterfront. There were not many people at that time, so we began our mission - Cam-whoring!








So, these are some pictures that we have taken!

Enjoying the time we had... sweating, you know... thinking of those actions and stuff. haha

Tiga sekawan... wahahaa...BERSATU! LOL

These are just some of the pictures... the two pictures above are about FUN, FUN, FUN and the pictures below are... "sikda keja gik dah... "















"Waoo... Scaryy...!"

After few attempts then this
picture was PERFECT! LOL

OK. This picture was taken in front of Hilton...We like this picture because we can see the sleigh, the reindeer, and a snowman (which are all "lights up!"). Stef took this picture from across the road, so we had to cross the traffic just to get this picture! LOL. Funny that people in their cars were looking at us and one of them actually honked us! Should we say the driver was crazy? ...Most important thing is FUN... Nah.. We are CRAZY! hahah..Girls just wanna have fun, non??

After we had so much fun at cam-whoring in Waterfront, we sat on a bench beside a tree, go jalan-jalan for a while across Waterfront pathway to decide where to go next. So, where did we go?? The suggestions are plenty and we we tired of walking, we stopped and discussed, again.

Second trip for second option:

• Bing! Coffee. Where? There are plenty of outlets in Kuching and we did not know where to go. We discussed for a while and we made a decision not to go there because we want "open space".
• Seafood? Nope. Immediately discarded.
• Jalan Astana. An eating place somewhere there where we had our dinner few years back. It was already almost 10 at night and we were indecisive. Hm... we already plan where to sit, as Fhyllis said (France table...you may feel blur about choosing the seats, but let me tell you, as far as I remember, the place provided each seats and tables with the names of famous countries - I can say, footballs. Stef, betul ka?not sure.heheheh) Sandra and Stef was recalling how to get there (hey, Sandra is our GPS - human GPS... she is really good at navigating and remembering roads and places!! You will be safe with her. =))
  
• D'Aliff Cafe (honestly, I don't know how to spell this). And we still consider an open space. Discarded.

• 
• Satok Open Air - so we could lepak and had some drinks and eat sate... that was the initial plan, actually. I told them I don't feel like smelling the smoke of panggang and I do not want my hair to smell of ayam panggang after that! LOL.

• I was suggesting a place where we could sit and drink Orange Juice! Anywhere with juices!! And, when three pairs of eyes were looking at me, hoping that I could give the idea of where to go for juices, my answer was.......... not directly to that place. I did not know where to go that time! ha-ha.
  

At least, our decision was to go to Jalan Astana and have a seat at the France table. On our way there, suddenly it came across someone's mind (not me, definitely... I think it was Stef) and she suggested After 4. A new outlet where Sandra has been to last time. So, we went there. At last! We found a place! hu-hu. Then, we lepak there for an hour, I ordered my Orange Juice and we talked! And, again, cam-whoring! LOL. That place is nice, just like the After 3 - it is surely the same branch eh.... We took pictures and we saw a lot of foreign students (we thought they are studying at Limkokwing)Hm..


Sadly, I can't retrieve the pictures that we have taken last night into my blog here. The pictures are somewhere in my received files and they are in my phone memory... ugghh... so, later then. I'll show you guys how wonderful that place is! LOL LOL.

OK. The entry for today is mainly about your dilemma of choosing places to go. Ha-ha. In Kuching, I realize that it is quite hard to find places where we can cam-whoring and lepaking at the same time with beautiful scenery and nice food. HU-HU. So, my friends and I are looking for places where "these criteria" are in. Are there any in Kuching? (at least ONE... he-he...) Even my boyfriend and I had difficulties to choose places. It might be the reason of there are TOO MANY places that we could go to or we had EXPLORED the places that there are NO MORE interesting places. I wonder... what do you think??

Thought of the day
>>> Time is best when you are happy with those who care and love you without asking much in return<<<<<

How do you know you have found your LOVE?

Today is not Valentine's Day nor a special day. But, what I want to share is about LOVE based on experience. In my profile I have said that I have found the love of my life. So, why do I DARE to say that?

There are a lot of things that are uncertain in this world. We might or might not live as what we have planned - I focus this about your LOVE of your life... and it will be very disappointing.

So, how do you know you have found your LOVE? I dare to say I did, and I am happy that I have found him.




OK. This is a story - a true story of my life and how I hope it will give you some ideas of how I am sure I have found what I look for this while.


Some people fall in love because of many reasons. It may be the love at first sight (depends whether you believe this or not), first love (is it the same with love at first sight? hm... I don't know eh...) LOVERS after becoming friends, and there are loads more reasons of how you fall in LOVE. In my case, we are NOT FRIENDS, we barely know each other, we just... become a couple (GEREK...sounds nicer this way...LOL)


So, need not to mention at what age I was when I knew him. I could say that we officially become a couple through a third party (a friend) which occurred after we knew each other through a CHAT ROOM. This is not internet love, okay? I do not know what was I thinking at that time as I just agreed to his "proposal", and we become - a COUPLE.

I was young (VERY YOUNG) back then, and he is actually five years older than me. Age is not a problem, and we have been through a lot of things after that. The relationship was on and off for a year... but we made it through, until NOW. So, our relationship has been for 9 years... We argued, we cried, we cursed... just imagine how you quarrel with your partner!




I am very HAPPY now, with him. Quarreling is inevitable and it is NORMAL in any relationship. I LOVE him so much that I need not to mention it every time. I know that he is the ONE because I FEEL it that way and frankly the most hard question that people always ask me is>> Why do you LOVE him?<<NO REASON. In fact, I love HIM as who he IS. Whatever we had been through - bad times especially - have taught us to GROW together and be more AFFECTIONATE and APPRECIATIVE towards each other. We give a lot of chances to each other. Some of you may feel like there will be no SECOND CHANCE but, let me tell you... If you know you REALLY LOVE someone, you WILL give him or her a second chance, or MORE. How do you feel when you are in LOVE? Very simple - you can't eat, not even drinking!, you can't sleep, when you take your bath, you don't feel the water all over your body...wait, let me make it this way.. tidur tak lena, mandi tak basah, makan tak kenyang - whatever the sequence is! So, is this call LOVE? May...be...for some of us. But,I know that I know I am in love with him ...(aih..jiwang...haha)

The 9 years relationship that I have with him - the secrets? No secrets at all! We do everything what the lovebirds would do! (Let the thing be SECRETS! LOL *wink*), we will try to settle our disagreements and we listen to each other. Him and I are different in every way - what we eat, what we like, what we think. These differences make us CLOSER and understand each other. Some people just like to be with someone who has the same interests, same ideas, and same point of views... it is good, in a way...but, as for me, the more we are different, the better... as the scope and views of life are wider.








All of you have different ways of viewing things - and this IS the way I view my LOVE LIFE with him. I love him as who he IS and HE loves ME as who I am. We are not perfect, in every way of our lives, of ourselves and of our thinking. However, we could make our life better by improving this imperfection and be PERFECT as how ourselves judge our own view of PERFECTION.

So, this is my story. How's yours? I have found my man, and HOPE that this relationship is BLESSED and we will be TOGETHER more years to come!!!

Thought of the day >>>>>>> If you can't find LOVE, LOVE will find you. Because LOVE makes your heart BEAT and will always be WITH YOU.

My Love For You is Forever

Happiness that we Share I'll Cherish