PAST.
Everything about the past has changed our perceptions and views of life today. How do we live in this present time is how we perceive our future due to our recovery of the past. People live in this world are the generations of the past...and I am totally not talking about history or biology here.... and definitely not about past lives.
I am very certain that all of us have our past... the bad ones, good ones and how we wish we could turn back time or not at all. The Past has changed my life and my boyfriend hugely. I was once a different person from who I am today... I was once so brave, so transparent and so naive about the things happen around me. I followed my friends to do weird things (no drugs, no alcohol ), learned about things that I should not have at the age of 13... and many things that I am not proud of, but gladly experienced so that I am becoming what I am today.
I met my boyfriend at the age of 12 and things started to developed in slow motion. Crazy stuff we had made together and strange feelings started to appear. I was totally a different person at that time. And, I believe now that whatever had happened at that time has its own consequence in my life. How I had changed my school - from a full boarding school to a day school - and by that time our relationship grew and I remember, on/off at the same time. I did thought that our relationship will not last, however I started to like him despite all the bad things he has done, or he does at that time. Perhaps, the statement good girls like bad guys applied to me after all.
The Past will always be a part of us. And, yeah...we have to live with it. However, happy memories are easy to remember and eventually, the past is not too bad at all. It makes us grow stronger and we realize that we can do better in life. I am glad that I gave changed my life to what I am today. I have successfully drifted myself from all the bad omens and continuing my journey to achieve what I want. I am also glad that my boyfriend has changed - being a better and understanding person. I am happy that I am still his.
I know that I am not a good person as how people see me at this present time. I lied. I cheated. I hurt others and yeah, I am THAT bad. I am just too happy and thankful for what I have today that I try to cover the past. I can't erase it, cause it sticks. But I can move on from it as long as I live.
PRESENT
As I live on this day, I am grateful that I still live in this earth with the existence. At the present time, I am having a hard time to choose. This is the first time that I feel so wrong and guilty. Wrong because I should have known that this will happen, guilty because I am not so true to some people I love. People see me as a person who is so lucky to have a 10-year relationship with a boyfriend that really loves me and loyal to me. What they do not see, is all the problems and troubles behind it.
So now, my parents start to dig all the past and perceive it as present and future. I feel extremely sad and I do not know what to do. Other people have their mindsets on something and it is nearly impossible to prove to them what really matters to you. PEOPLE DO CHANGE and most of the time, they DID IT FOR GOOD, at least in MY CASE.
I keep track on what happens to me all the time. My relationships with other people, mostly. And, I do know that I am capable of making my decision and I have chosen my path. I want to be with him, and no other people could change that. We have made tremendous change in our lives and we have drifted away from all the confusing choices. We have decided to be together and build our future based on our experiences and love. But, The Past had re-appear and it makes me suffer. Why it is hard to believe that people can change and it is not just because of MONEY? Or, STATUS? Or, other unnecessary things in life? Well, money is important, though...but...let us just axed the money part...hmm...
Can't you guys just see me happy for this time? I am doing this for myself...and for my family... with the expectation that this will be the right decision too.
I know that they are worry about me. The consequences of the decision that I am about to make. And, imagining how horrid it will be. But, I won't. I have faith in what I have been believe in my life - God has shown me the way, and all these things are just another trial that I have to pass through. This is the most hurtful one, and I do not know whether I can get through it. I am scared that I will lost everything that I have...
