Insecurity, Wrong decision

Have you ever wondered why you have made your decision that way, and considering all odds, you have to make it anyway? I have been wondering all year why did I care so much about some of the decisions that I have made, considering the factors that I may have hurt them, and make them feel bad. When you were in a state of insecurity, unsatisfied with something and plus, you never think that you have done wrong, you made your decision anyway...blurring by all THESE factors. So, does it make the final decision as FINAL? Is it considered as a WISE one?

I have made my choices and decision long, long time ago... and I never regret

this one - - being with my only love, Daniel. But, the problem is not here. I have made my decision that I will not be as who I was before (just like what I have mentioned in the previous entry)
anymore. I am going to be a new person and GO TO HELL with those who HATES ME, DISAPPROVING of me, and what ever they want to say to anyone about me. IGNORANCE IS A BLISS. And hey, I am hurt too, and nobody cares? Some people just like to see others suffer... and to condemn people just to see that they have influence and such... "Hey, I am stronger now. I know you support me... what have I told you?" DAMN. It feels so good using those words... and without realizing the fact that we have been influencing people in an EVIL way, we actually got dragged up with more USELESS effort of trying to gain everybody's support!

I couldn't believe what I have read on my chat screen just now when one of my friends actually tole me that the LADY that I used to be friend with, BFF with, close with, actually SELLING STORIES bout me. So, it began with me being angry with those people, particularly her? WHATEVER...and she began to tell this friend NASTY stories bout me that she doesn't even want to say anything more about it. It was just ONE argument (or, maybe I was too harsh?) that the LADY actually have GUTS to say something like that to ANOTHER friend? OK. SO, is the conclusion like this - - you cannot be angry to your friends because they are your BFF, and it is IMPORTANT not to HURT them??--- For me, the definition of friendship is this >>>>>> Friends ARE shoulder to cry on, for good times and bad times...(matter of-factly) and, for me, as a friend it is also IMPORTANT to show them that they DO wrong, that we ARE HURT for what they have done, and being angry is just a tiny part of it, to show that we CARE, to let THEM understand that we too, NEED ASSURANCE from them...as a friend. Uughh... so, anyone wants to back out now, and NO MORE being a FRIEND to me?

OK.OK. Am I sound too serious?? LOL... Anyways, I am glad that I have more friends that I can rely on, despite all this hurtful feelings... I am glad also that I have made my decision to let SOME PEOPLE go, because they are just NOT for me... and I always remember this quote, " Just let those people in your past, past...there are reasons why they don't make it to your future". So, I believe there are truths in this statement, and AM letting IT GO...my PAST.

My future is what I am concern about now. I APPRECIATE those who appreciates me...and if you don't, I have nothing to say, period.

What did I say about INSECURITY and WRONG DECISION? The feeling of insecurity will sure AFFECTS your decision. When you feel that you are insecure, that you will lose, you will fall, you WILL make the decision, without actually knowing what you have done. Let me say, SELF-CENTERED. I am now struggling with myself, trying very best to THINK IT ALL OVER AGAIN after I have made my mind. I felt it was wrong, but I soon see the rationale of these things that happen around me now.

So, FORGET ABOUT those jerks that have been hurting you, saying things bout you... THEY are not WORTH it...

Thinking positive..... the pictures below are meaningful

So, for you guys out there, don't do ridiculous things to your friends... they are hard to find... but, then, it is up to you to CHOOSE. Your INSECURITY is not for WRONG DECISION, but for pre-CAUTION and a REMINDER for you of the EVIL ONES. Life is the way it is. HARD and BEAUTIFUL at the same time. Choose wisely, don't be blurred by FAKE IMAGES of your friends. They are behaving as what you want to see, just look at the other side of it, before it is getting CRAZIER and HURTFUL.

Thanks for those who are always around me, give me SUPPORT and TRUST me. I would never make you feel down cause I know you are always here with me. LOVE is all I need, FAITH and TRUST is all I live for.

Changes

Everything are changing; let it be in a matter of time and place without any clear reasons that make us think whether it will becoming good or bad. But, are we totally ready for all the changes around us? Changing meaning that we are changing either good or bad, better or worst. And, changing makes us grow even smarter or dumber than before. Well, I prefer smarter, of course... but how should we know that the changes that we made are good for us and the others? Changes make us grow in mind and spirit, we think more critically of things as we grow older and socialize more with other people. Is it by these "changes" set us to a level of maturity to make decisions and independent toward our own actions? I don't think so. As what we speak, we are growing, somehow, different people have different way of thinking things and may not be as what we thought it would be.

Have you ever feel disappointed because the changes that you have made did not result in a way that you want it to be? Yeah... I experienced it before and it turned me down. However, the changes that I am doing now (for I thought it would be...at this time) will be permanent. I AM CHANGING for who I was and I hope it is for the better - the people around me, and most importantly, MYSELF.

Every new year we have hopes and wishes and we want our dreams to come true. And, at times, we can't even achieve what we want in our lives! So, why do we change? What makes us change? In my case, there are many reasons that contribute to the changing. Why do I change? Why do you change? There are reasons behind what we did in this everyday lives, and sometimes we just don't understand or do not want to understand. We change because we want the best for other people, we change because we are sick of some things that are out of our control, we change because we are just fed-up with things and need a new life! We change because we want something different, creating various "scenes" in this challenging lives on earth! I want to change because I am sick of being myself at a point when I am TOO GOOD for some people that I realize do not deserve me at all. I want to change because I think it is enough to create a ridiculous scene where we fights and swear when in fact, we can love and care to each other?

OK. Why did I chose this entry for today? I realize that people around me are changing and I do not want to know the reason behind it (which in a matter of fact, I know I am one of the reasons...). So, some behaviours and attitudes of other people actually make us realize that we are not as strong as what we think we are. We cry because of them, and they don't even know it. So, after for so long... you will want to end this by changing yourself. Be what you want to be, ignore "that" some people and just continue with your life. People say, "Screw them! It is their problem, not yours...!" I have heard this many, many times and that is exactly what I did at the moment. I am trying to be nice, but not for a person that had said she hates me. Who wants to give a chance to a person that likes to take you for granted and only kiss your ass? Not me, definitely. Sick of it already. NO MORE.

I am maybe a bad one here, but some people are just cruel than me. I have my patience and that is all I have left when she posted some ridiculous, silly stupid thing on a wall of a networking social service. Perrgghh~~~ I hate the feeling when I am right about this. I know that there is 20% of probability that whatever shoutout that has been posted is for anyone but me. However, I KNOW IT IS ME. My conscience is never wrong (it could be wrong, but...nah...not in this matter, I know).

So, back to what I said... Am I wrong if I am changing of who I am, who was once a very friendly, caring, loving, forgiving, always- say- sorry- when -I -don't- know -if- I- am -wrong- or- not and patient before to a person who is still friendly (just less), caring, loving, forgiving (if that person asks for it) and WILL NOT SAY SORRY IF I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG? and lack of patience?

Whatever changes that I have made, I hope to rebuild myself back. I have no strength to argue anymore and I think it is just enough of what I have said or did. I do not want to make anything's worst and I will just shut up. No more about this. But, if she can't make her mouth shut, I will do something to make it shut, anyway. People are just too hypocrites and ego to see what they have done wrong to other people.

I need to really make myself AWAY from this scenario. I could not see the benefits that I will get by being so truthful to myself because everybody else's isn't. Things happen. It is 2010 and I have lists that I have to be completed... studying, working, being with my love ones, getting married, having kids... (oooppss...too early??? haha...) well, there are things best to be ignored and let time heals. I know it is painful and I am sure that I will not face this problem alone. I have the others behind me, love me, and care for me. I am very grateful for what I have right now, and whatever obstacles that I am being through right now is changing me, for who I am, for what I want...and I hope the changes are for the better. I am truly hoping that this matter makes me wake from the slumber and develop me as a WISE woman.